too fucking warm!!! | july 21, 2025

content warning: gender dysphoria, mention of kink and bdsm (nothing major and specific)

currently typing this in a boba place near my house. it's so fucking warm!!! and i'm actually wearing less layers this time!!! i oddly don't feel as uncomfortable as i usually would though... maybe i'm finally getting used to the summer heat. i'm in a pretty good mood rn, which is great because i get to talk about positive things again on this blog LOLZ! when i had a blog on another blogging website, all i wrote was angsty shit, and while that stuff's pretty important, i don't like being negative forever. i don't like that being all that i am.

i felt a little dysphoric today, but it didn't last that long. i would look so much better without boobs sometimes T_T but my mood improved and i stopped thinking about my body and presentation as much. (dearest friend complimenting my style + my anxiety meds helped! and anyway my gender dysphoria's pretty mild in comparison to other trans people so it's chill) was very sociable today, oddly. i normally keep small talk with strangers at a minimum and rarely divulge anything about myself, but i was chattier than usual! talked to the people at the eye doctor and at the glasses... making... place... and it was very fun. joked around and smiled a lot. yippie! and i chose some super cute glasses! i got these slightly translucent blue ones with a cool little metal decoration at the edge... idk how to explain it, but it's pretty cute. so excited to get them!!! i need to make a new glasses chain, maybe an ocean themed one and a black one. we'll see we'll see.

i've been listening to genitorturers while studying, and every time i listen to them, i remember how much i love kink and bdsm. that shit's so cool!!!!!! i have a very strained relationship with anything regarding sexuality (you can probably tell with the previous blog post lmao), but i love the idea of kink and bdsm. thinking about it feels very relieving? i can break away from the standard heteronormative definitions of sex and actually choose something that i want, that makes me feel good. would totally engage with kink and bdsm communities at leaaast once.

that's all i wanted to get out today. feel very hopecore happypilled or whatever.

love, irid

burned bridges | july 18, 2025

content warning: vague descriptions of grooming, victim blaming, disconnect

there's this friend that i haven't properly talked to since freshman year of high school, and they give me so much GENDER ENVY!!!! they have a very haunting vibe /pos they're so cool... so goated... i think i would've liked talking to them again if they weren't connected to my old high school friend group that catastrophically fell apart.

i think i wanna shoot them a message telling them that and wishing that they're well but.... guh...... i wanna keep my distance......

i hate anything that has to do with my old high school. a lot of my psyche is guilt, guilt for being immature and not handling friendships properly, guilt for pushing others away, guilt for not being the kindest i could be. i'd rather disappear from my old friends' lives and put distance between us, but over and over, i see them reach out in small ways and it makes me conflicted. i don't like being in their lives when there's so many things unsaid, so many things i don't even know how to verbalize to them.

that period of my life is deeply entrenched in the memories of an unhealthy relationship i was in. those memories practically obscure everything else. outlines of a person i devoted myself to, silence that follows questions about who i'm seeing, burning, searing pain from a person who should've known better but still greedily drank from my body until i became hollow, a friend lashing out at me and guilt tripping me for not leaving that person, the aftermath of me lashing out at that friend for hurting me. i think about it sometimes and feel so disconnected, knowing that i was there and experienced those emotions firsthand. i don't like high school. i was a mess in high school.

seeing those old friends means remembering what happened. seeing those old friends means remembering how tired i was. i think about how they see me, and i wonder if the image i left behind was a fractured one, with pieces missing and the overall image foggy and distant.

i hope that the version of me that's here is a nicer one.

love, irid

emo lesbians and therapy | july 17, 2025

recently redownloaded project sekai and i feel rejuvenated! like a dehydrated man reaching an oasis after hours of trekking through desert! i think this one's very obvious, but my fave group in the game is obvi nji25 :3 i have very little interest in the other groups... but after catching up with nji25's story and key events, i might try checking out leoneed or mmj. fave songs nji25 covered are as follows.

• meru
• it was a very nice june
• god-ish
• bad apple!!
• non-breath oblige
• phony
• lagtrain

while catching up with nji25's story, i thought it would be fun to take notes on some important events and details that illustrate the members' psyche. i'm very excited for what i come up with, might even post it here :333 especially for mizuki, i love them so so dearly, and it'd be great to compose a complete picture of mizuki's wants and reservations.

on a separate note, some more mental health stuff! i had a therapy appointment two days ago, and i talked about how i often ignore my feelings and tell myself i don't actually feel anything unless the emotions are intense enough to produce physical symptoms (chest tightness, crying, etc.). my therapist was like "i've been telling you to try mindfulness and meditation and i know you don't want to but it'll help" and i was like "ugh fine whatever" :p i'm trying to walk every morning for at least 5 minutes, meditate in the morning, and meditate before i journal at night... hopefully the habits stick T_T. it feels nice to get these things done, at least. maybe it'll help me process my emotions more.

another short entry for today. i hope you are doing well! will write soon :3

love, irid

gender rants and feeling dogpilled | july 15, 2025

content warning: gender dysphoria

i feel like a hyperactive dog cycling through the fifty things i want to do in my head.... i should be studying for my pharmacy tech certification but i'm instead blogging, playing project sekai, looking through neocities websites, and scrolling through instagram. gguhhh... i hate this shit bro free me!!!!! there are so many things i want to do, so i'm going to list them here.

• analyze the latest alien stage episode along with the comics on vivinos' patreon
• read substack articles
• organize my closet (although it's super dusty and i get unbearable allergic reactions from dust... T_T)
• read culture and imperialism by edward said
• work on a friend's birthday gift
• read through nightcord's main story again and take notes
• put stamps of my fave artists in the music page of this website + make more music stamps
• read castorice x aglaea fics
• clean up photo gallery

yeah! i'm very very scattered rn i want to ping pong myself across the walls of my bedroom T_T !!!! also offtopic i was thinking yesterday about my gender presentation. i'm very feminine and am usually read as female, which for the most part i don't care about because that's other people's perceptions of me and it's something i can't control.... BUT...... it bothered me a bit yesterday night when i went out to eat with my parents. i was pretty exhausted as i was getting ready and i just looked up at the mirror and thought "i will never achieve gender euphoria" and it plagued me the whole night. if i could accurately present the way i feel, it'd be something incomprehensible, almost divine? not in conceited way LMAO but in a way that's distinct from my fleshy body. possibly the most accurate way to describe how i'd like to present is yaoshi from hsr lolz. but with how my body is, i feel that i'm stuck being perceived as a girl. i'm very short and my face looks young and GAH!!!! I'M TRAPPED IN THE PADDED CELL OF GENDER NORMS!!!!!

i was playing a roblox drawing game with a friend and a sweet player in our game decided to draw us. and they drew me so masculinely it gave me a lot of joy? i don't want to present masculine, but having someone perceive me so differently from how people normally perceive me irl made me so happy. and like. i want more of that T_T. i ended up talking about the gender stuff with a friend and calmed down (they told me that gender dysphoria is an intermittent thing and to take the gender thing day by day). there's many things i can try that i haven't yet, like trad goth makeup, binding my chest, and experimenting with my style more!

umm yyeah farewell goodbye zzzz honk sshoo honk shoo

love, irid

july 13, 2025

i spent the morning and some of the afternoon today studying at a nearby cafe and doing the laundry. the cafe i went to is small but cozy, and they have a nice drinks menu. i always get this black sesame latte with brown sugar. tastes very good! it's more on the savory side, has this toasty taste to it, but the milk helps balance it out. shit's $6.75, though, so i'm thinking i should get a cheaper drink next time T_T. i would normally go to the library, but it's closed on sundays, and i also felt like studying in a more lively place. last time i went to the library, i felt so dead... but i should go to the library more often than i do cafes to not waste money and to give my body a break from the sugar LOL.

i like the flow that i established this summer; it's very peaceful and quiet. just studying, doing chores, relaxing with video games and drawing, and occasionally calling my closest friend. it gets lonely sometimes (i literally sobbed about this last night LOL), but i like reserving energy for myself rather than spending it hanging out with a lot of people. despite this, i'm still excited for fall semester to start so i can be around more people. i want to branch out and meet people i click with more and challenge myself to take up space despite my fear. i've spent a lot of my life minimizing myself for the sake of others, but i'd like to spend the first years of adulthood breaking away from that old habit.

i think i've already made progress on that goal, though. i feel very different from who i was as a teenager. i find myself more confident sometimes, speaking up when i would normally keep to myself. i compliment strangers more, engage in small talk with few stumbles, act more genuinely and openly. i care a little less about embarassing myself. it's easy to think that my emotional development has been stagnant because of the days i'm reminded of my insecurities about the past, about myself, but i think i can afford myself some pride and satisfaction for the person i've become every now and then.

people always say to cherish your younger years because adulthood is hell, and while they're not completely wrong, i'd like to think that my adult years are an opportunity to finally self-actualize and free myself from the teen angst.

i think that's all i wanted to get out of my head today... farewell, and i hope to write again soon!

love, irid

july 12, 2025

in my personal writings, i wrote about how turning 18 is a continuous celebration. i was dancing in the kitchen with my dearest friend who came to visit for winter break, and i talked about how turning 18 was not really something i felt excited about on my actual birthday but i knew was something that i was going to celebrate on a random day when i fully realize that i reached adulthood.

it was a positive sentiment that i had at the time, and still have as i'm writing this, but obviously in the months after i turned 18, i started noticing those bitter telltale signs of getting older, namely realizing that the friends i have don't suit my needs and that i can't make these friendships work with sheer force if them and i don't mesh well.

for context, i really love talking about difficult topics often, and i especially love when the other person provides feedback on my ideas about these topics and brings up their own thoughts. on top of that, this is a skill issue on my part, i get super insecure when the person i'm talking to consistently doesn't respond to what i think about these issues and just listens. my thought process is "omg this person doesn't think my ideas have anything notable to point out so i'm stupid basically". which is dumb but whatever. i need someone to share my stupid passion!

and i don't have these conversations with most of my friends, which bothers me a little. i want more people with different experiences and ideologies to bounce my thoughts off of! i talked about this with my therapist, and she said "so you need friends who are creative and openminded" which. blew my mind lolz. like oh i can choose who i'm friends with!

i think this surprise comes a lot from how i'm usually the person approached first, so i partially feel obligated to stay friends with the people who "chose me" because i would be alone otherwise and i should be thankful for them. and i do feel grateful! and these people are nice! but sometimes i just don't feel like them and i get each other, especially now that i'm in college and the structure of high school is gone, thus eliminating the foundation of my friendships with them. ggguhhh it sucks. realizing that you don't like talking to the friends you have sucks. i have super major guilt about it.

at the same time, though, realizing that i can choose who to talk to is very freeing. i stress out less over trying to make these friendships work and just focus on the friendships that do work.

i'm hoping i'll find more likeminded people in my classes this fall. very excited but also very terrified because i have yet to make an actual friend in college lmao. fuck it we ball i suppose

umm ya! i haven't made a blog entry like this in a while; i felt a little awkward typing it out while knowing there might be someone who reads this. hopefully there'll be more to come :3

love, irid