gender rants and feeling dogpilled | july 15, 2025

content warning: gender dysphoria

i feel like a hyperactive dog cycling through the fifty things i want to do in my head.... i should be studying for my pharmacy tech certification but i'm instead blogging, playing project sekai, looking through neocities websites, and scrolling through instagram. gguhhh... i hate this shit bro free me!!!!! there are so many things i want to do, so i'm going to list them here.

• analyze the latest alien stage episode along with the comics on vivinos' patreon
• read substack articles
• organize my closet (although it's super dusty and i get unbearable allergic reactions from dust... T_T)
• read culture and imperialism by edward said
• work on a friend's birthday gift
• read through nightcord's main story again and take notes
• put stamps of my fave artists in the music page of this website + make more music stamps
• read castorice x aglaea fics
• clean up photo gallery

yeah! i'm very very scattered rn i want to ping pong myself across the walls of my bedroom T_T !!!! also offtopic i was thinking yesterday about my gender presentation. i'm very feminine and am usually read as female, which for the most part i don't care about because that's other people's perceptions of me and it's something i can't control.... BUT...... it bothered me a bit yesterday night when i went out to eat with my parents. i was pretty exhausted as i was getting ready and i just looked up at the mirror and thought "i will never achieve gender euphoria" and it plagued me the whole night. if i could accurately present the way i feel, it'd be something incomprehensible, almost divine? not in conceited way LMAO but in a way that's distinct from my fleshy body. possibly the most accurate way to describe how i'd like to present is yaoshi from hsr lolz. but with how my body is, i feel that i'm stuck being perceived as a girl. i'm very short and my face looks young and GAH!!!! I'M TRAPPED IN THE PADDED CELL OF GENDER NORMS!!!!!

i was playing a roblox drawing game with a friend and a sweet player in our game decided to draw us. and they drew me so masculinely it gave me a lot of joy? i don't want to present masculine, but having someone perceive me so differently from how people normally perceive me irl made me so happy. and like. i want more of that T_T. i ended up talking about the gender stuff with a friend and calmed down (they told me that gender dysphoria is an intermittent thing and to take the gender thing day by day). there's many things i can try that i haven't yet, like trad goth makeup, binding my chest, and experimenting with my style more!

umm yyeah farewell goodbye zzzz honk sshoo honk shoo

love, irid