we can't have good things

content warning: suicidal ideation, power dynamics, kink, dysphoria

i crashed out bad after my last entry. the thing i wrote about how i can't have two good things happen in a row was a self-fulfilling prophecy u_u. i got intensely upset after an interaction in one of my classes, and i started spiraling. all of my insecurities flared up (fearing that i'll be an incompetent adult, inability to advocate for myself, guilt for not being good enough, ashamed of my mental illness, reliving trauma, etc.). i'm so so exhausted. i don't understand how people can be so productive, i feel like i'm barely scraping by in my classes. i don't understand how people can push through their exhaustion to do the things they need to do. i still feel like i'm in high school, doing the bare minimum just to get by.

i wish i was more consistent. i wish i had more energy to do things. i wish i powered through my exhaustion more. i wish i was a nicer person. i wish i wasn't so much to handle.

it got so bad to the point i started thinking about dying more seriously. i have suicidal thoughts pretty regularly, but they're quiet, rarely upfront and demanding of my attention. i vividly visualized how i'd die, what would happen afterwards. i thought of how my parents would react, how they'd lose their only child, the person they've sacrified everything for. i thought of my closest friend, the conversation we had about what would happen if the other died. you'd expect that remembering those you'd leave behind would help, but it only made my breakdown so much more painful. my friend said it was like pacing around your cage, wanting to escape but knowing you can't.

i told my therapist about the thoughts yesterday. we made a safety plan, and she printed it out for me. i looked through it before writing this entry, and i noticed my diagnoses at the top. i feel weird every time i see my diagnoses; my problems feel so miniscule, so seeing "major depressive disorder" and "post traumatic stress disorder" as official labels for my problems feels so odd. i've always felt like i have normal problems and that i'm just really incompetent at handling them. i use these terms to describe my experiences anyway, i say i have "trauma" and "depression" and such but there are times when i can't help but feel stupid for saying i struggle with these things.

whenever i'm at these especially low points, i usually latch onto a piece of media and obsess over it. this time around, it's the artist "9o9_y5". warning though, 9o9_y5 draws a lot of characters with self-harm scars. anyway, he makes a lot of kinky, gorey, lesbian art and it's like actual drugs. there were some kinks that they drew that used to distress me. women in full latex body suits made me so uncomfortable at first because it was an especially restrictive (?) kind of submission. i think it's a projection thing because i hate being too submissive, i don't like surrendering myself fully to someone and would much rather have a more dominant role (which i think is ironic given my sheepish, cowardly personality. but kinks are kinks for a reason, i suppose). but... after seeing the latex body suit art again, it doesn't freak me out anymore even if i'm still not into it.

my presentation bothers me more these days. i hate how feminine i am sometimes, i hate my boobs. i feel so uncomfortable in the clothes i wear. i'm so so jealous of androgynous people, i'm so jealous of men. it's distressing.

i'm going to try to get some studying done. i'll hopefully write again soon.

love, irid