YEOW | august 3, 2025

content warning: mild mentions of gender dysphoria

okay i'm at a cafe and i'm supposed to be studying BUT.... i am full of thoughts and i'm a little tired so blog time blog time!!!

i had a week-long crashout that made writing (and everything else) so exhausting, but i finally found peace! some recent developments on my mental health, i'm becoming more aware of how disconnected i can get from my emotions and from other people. learned it the hard way LOLZ but it's still a lesson learned. i got to talk about it with my support system, and i feel better now.

have been thinking more and more about my gender presentation recently. i mostly dress feminine, with long skirts and dresses, but in the last few months and especially now, i've wanted to dress more androgynously. something akin to guys that you can't tell are guys. i want to be confusing and odd :p . listing my gender presentation inspirations...

• sleek cowboys with the chap and ponchos
• a specific brand of trans masc and male fashion i keep seeing on insta... not sure how to describe. they just look so cool. guh
• joker from persona 5 LMAO
• men that wear long skirts
• danmei protags

i'm considering hrt when i move out of my parents' house and have an income of my own. i recently found this article about hrt treatment options for nonbinary people, and it delights me! i mostly skimmed through it because there's a lot of specific terminology that gets lost on me, but i would so love to get hrt to modify my feminine face. thought of top surgery too, but i like my boobs kind of. i'd rather just bind them whenever i feel dysphoric. umm also i realized that my rectangular torso that used to bring me so much dysmorphia actually makes me look a little more androgynous. yippies! i think what bothers me the most about my torso is how my boobs look with it. when i push my boobs to the side, my torso looks a lot nicer.

various things that have brought me joy recently because i like making lists:

• free! ost (honorable, also gay, mentions: given ost, history maker in yuri on ice!!, bsd ost)
• bringing my journal when i go out
• elysia from honkai impact 3rd
• ice cream... specifically matcha ice cream with red bean and chocolate paletas
• how my journal smells. i put so many perfume testers in it as a cute little journal spread and for the first few weeks it smelled like absolute hell because all of the testers combined were so strong, but now it's faded into a more pleasant intensity.
• new wall decor i added to my room, specifically a poster of song lyrics from the xx vinyl, as well as a paper fan i got from japan years ago, this random printout of silly cats, and another poster of song lyrics from a bon iver vinyl.
• lesbian substack writers
• the beach
• be a silly seal on roblox
• a smut fic of my two favorite lesbians from the horror game called proximate

i am... so tired... i will end this entry here!!

much much love, irid