so so so nauseated | august 23, 2025

first day of my second year in college starts in two days and i am so NAUSEOUS!! which i think is so stupid because i went through a whole year of college already, but literally 4/5 of it was spent online and at home, so it feels like this year's my first year. i feel like i'm in the same place as before, still scared to talk to people and still lonely. i feel super super ashamed about that T_T.

one of my friends called recently because there's an actor from a game we both like at a convention she was at, so she facetimed me so i could say hi to him. she does these little things in thought of me, and i appreciate her, but i feel like there's still this wall between us that i built. it makes me sick, i don't like how lonely i've made myself, i don't like how insanely difficult it feels to be comfortable around somebody and to let them in. writing this leaves a sour taste in my mouth, my brain is constantly running with shame and disgust at myself because this sounds like such a lonely incel manifesto. i'm the greasy ugly guy in his gaming chair collecting dust and grime and whining about how lonely he is when he isn't trying hard enough. barf.

i really really hope i make friends this semester. god PLEASE!!!! IM BEGGING YOU!!!! i hate being so scared and lonely so much of the time, i don't like being the friend that's just there and disappears quietly without a word. i want to be brave so badly, i want to have faith in myself and trust that i can be liked by others.

at the very least, i'm preparing for my classes before the semester starts instead of procrastinating. i have this habit of avoiding important things i need to do for college because i'm scared of even thinking about college. it's bad. guh!!!!!!!!!

after studying for one of my classes, i'll try to do something that makes me happy. maybe eat the vanilla ice cream that my dad bought (for my dogs LMAO). or eat strawberries with whipped cream. OR EAT VANILLA ICE CREAM WITH STRAWBERRIES AND WHIPPED CREAM. i am the smartest person ever. goodbye farewell i'll hopefully update on my college woes (or successes?) soon.

love, irid