july 12, 2025

in my personal writings, i wrote about how turning 18 is a continuous celebration. i was dancing in the kitchen with my dearest friend who came to visit for winter break, and i talked about how turning 18 was not really something i felt excited about on my actual birthday but i knew was something that i was going to celebrate on a random day when i fully realize that i reached adulthood.

it was a positive sentiment that i had at the time, and still have as i'm writing this, but obviously in the months after i turned 18, i started noticing those bitter telltale signs of getting older, namely realizing that the friends i have don't suit my needs and that i can't make these friendships work with sheer force if them and i don't mesh well.

for context, i really love talking about difficult topics often, and i especially love when the other person provides feedback on my ideas about these topics and brings up their own thoughts. on top of that, this is a skill issue on my part, i get super insecure when the person i'm talking to consistently doesn't respond to what i think about these issues and just listens. my thought process is "omg this person doesn't think my ideas have anything notable to point out so i'm stupid basically". which is dumb but whatever. i need someone to share my stupid passion!

and i don't have these conversations with most of my friends, which bothers me a little. i want more people with different experiences and ideologies to bounce my thoughts off of! i talked about this with my therapist, and she said "so you need friends who are creative and openminded" which. blew my mind lolz. like oh i can choose who i'm friends with!

i think this surprise comes a lot from how i'm usually the person approached first, so i partially feel obligated to stay friends with the people who "chose me" because i would be alone otherwise and i should be thankful for them. and i do feel grateful! and these people are nice! but sometimes i just don't feel like them and i get each other, especially now that i'm in college and the structure of high school is gone, thus eliminating the foundation of my friendships with them. ggguhhh it sucks. realizing that you don't like talking to the friends you have sucks. i have super major guilt about it.

at the same time, though, realizing that i can choose who to talk to is very freeing. i stress out less over trying to make these friendships work and just focus on the friendships that do work.

i'm hoping i'll find more likeminded people in my classes this fall. very excited but also very terrified because i have yet to make an actual friend in college lmao. fuck it we ball i suppose

umm ya! i haven't made a blog entry like this in a while; i felt a little awkward typing it out while knowing there might be someone who reads this. hopefully there'll be more to come :3

love, irid