storing my happiness in jars

hello! it has been almost a month since i've made a blog entry. college, motivation, and mental health have been BEATING my ass lately, and it made it hard to update here. also i got really conscious of myself and how i express my thoughts publicly, so i've been a little too scared to write anything. but i am here now, for how long i am not sure, but i still wiped the dust off this blog to write again.

regarding mental health, i'm weaning off my lexapro to start this new antidepressant that i don't remember the name of :9. i normally remember the generic drug name, like lexapro -> escitalopram, but my new medication is a little too much of a mindfuck for me to remember right away. anyway, i started taking that medication while gradually lowering my lexapro for about a week or so? so there's no noticeable effects yet. when i next update, i'll probably notice if there's any difference in my mood and motivation.

the purpose of this blog is purely for my own benefit, but because it is something i am sharing with random people on the internet, i worry if my blog entries are too much of a bore, if it's too much, if it's too weird. i don't like talking negatively for too long because i know how draining it is for people, but also my blog entries are not something i'm forcing upon people. :9 i know these thoughts are logically ridiculous and i'm okay, but the worry lingers regardless.

i thought i'd write about things that have lightened the weight off my shoulders a tiny bit. my joy is as important to who i am as my pain is, and i think it's important to celebrate my happiness when i can.

my parents are so very kind. they are the kindest people ever. i had a rough day a few days ago, and i was sobbing in the car with my dad while he drove us home. the whole time, in silence, he squeezed my hand. repetitive squeezes throughout the thirty minutes back home. i think about how he always does the best to make sure i don't feel alone, how he thinks to comfort me even while he's driving, how he understands my unwillingness to open up and lets me open up when i'm ready. my mama thinks of me all the time. she tries her best to soothe me. i'm still her baby, she peppers my head with kisses and holds me when i need someone to hug. i am a very spoiled child. i normally think about this negatively, i carry a lot of guilt for it because i don't feel like i deserve to be taken care of, but i feel very grateful for my parents, that they're so kind and patient with me. i love my parents very deeply and have great pride having them, always.

i like the friends i have at college. it's hard sometimes, but i have people i can talk about my interests with without feeling unsteady and shameful. they're silly and geeky, and it makes me feel comfortable being silly and geeky. i normally think of myself as lonely, but i have people that i don't feel lonely with, that i look forward to seeing, that i feel comfort being around and actively seek out their presence. this is super major for me lol; i wasn't like this during my childhood.

there are a few people online whose art/writings i'm absolutely obsessed with. i mentioned 909_y5 last entry and i still love her. her art is so good and it's inspired me to draw more freaky lesbian art. i love my lesbian substack writers, i love the blogs on here that talk about their interests and/or code beautiful pages, i love this one tiktok account that posts tips for studying because it gives me hope that i can study better lmao, i love this comic artist that has a series about a therapy robot falling in love with his depressed client (?) (and it's GAY!).

miscellaneous things that make me happy: my weekly webtoons (the students of illips arts high, the knight only lives today, potion witch, cherry crush, paper teeth, little hollow cafe, murder girlband, everything but your life, winter breeze, proof of dignity, 3x3!, hand jumper, doghaus, the law of immutability), my ocean themed press on nails, pjsekai, messily journaling my feelings, doechii's tour, coffee flavored things, coffee, having pretty decent grades.

i am running out of fuel LMAO. i am going to peruse some neocities blogs now. i hope i'll write again soon, but if not, see you when i see you!

love, irid